Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
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pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?