babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Found my door mat
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.