babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
@funTweeters
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My blood type is b hungry.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.