Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?