Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me