Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
About to form my very first opinion
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.