Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
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When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.