Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings