Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
fourth time’s the charm
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[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!