babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs