babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.