babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return