babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
dude it’s called proctologist
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.