babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
a god among men
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!