babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing