babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
stop
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.