Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy