babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
😅🤣😂
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony