Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
LOL
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
#math
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*