Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing saves money like being antisocial

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.