Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.