Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My life coach traded me.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
and now we wait
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*