Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

This anagram machine is out of order.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen