Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.