Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?