Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.