Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
You Might Also Like
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks