Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I want what they have
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer