Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Happy weekend !
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
God has abandoned us.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.