To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…