@TheOneTrueDisco

Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.

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@envydatropic

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@santhonythomas

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

@Kendragarden

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

@KraftDinerr

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

@MrSpoonicorn

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

@Megatronic13

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

@PoliUncorrect

* Pogoing Outside Your Window

~ Are… You… Sure… You… Don’t… Want…. A… Second… Date?