Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
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Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
They’re called werewolves.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?