Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me refusing to leave twitter
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.