Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*