Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I