Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
the short answer to this question
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My background check bounced.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.