Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.