Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Morning all.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Alexa: *deep breath*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me: