Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
How I like cutting carbs
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.