Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter