Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
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Spring cleaning checklist…
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.