Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
One day you’re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m calling the cops.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I just checked Web MD and I have everything