Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Life is a suicide mission.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot