Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
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I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
same bro
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}