Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
getting seasonal up in here
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Oddly specific
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly