Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees