Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms