[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”