[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
This raises questions
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.