Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.