[babies txting]
âmy dadâs thumb just came offâ
lol wtf đ
âwait its back on again nvmâ
ok lmao
âhe just stole my noseâ
im phoning the police
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âThat Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.â
No Grandma, thatâs Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didnât spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute youâll be driving my car
my dad: in the end. i hope people donât even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
When do zombies decide whether theyâre gonna eat you or enlist you?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Itâs an indescribable feeling when Iâm trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming âHELPâ.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldnât the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You think cannonballs scream âhumansâ right before they land in water
Making a list of all the people who wrote âHappy Birthdayâ on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know whoâs secretly mad at me.
Her: Howâd you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
YOU CANâT KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, âHa! I didnât amount to anything! In your face!â
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Itâs March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldnât have put the tree away.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents âwatch thisâ as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
why is every reddit relationships question like âi [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as âMr. Hoskinsâ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hoursâ
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Yearâs Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. Iâve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: Thatâs like the third time youâve asked me that.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Youâd think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
âIs that a banana in your pocket orâŠa dead banana?â -Schrödinger
I donât like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. Heâs the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.