Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

he’s doing your taxes

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us