Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!