Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

“FOUND ‘EM!”

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.