Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”