Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.