@__iCE_CREAM__

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

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@Trustedshoe

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

@tlcprincess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

@KenJennings

I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@Brentweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.

@CeruleanGates

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

@Kalarlis

my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG

@ArfMeasures

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

@torrami

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.