Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
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according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Optional boss fight.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
smh
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.