Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
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legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Vodka burrito was a success
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.