babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Meow
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
