babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I told my vodka about you.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
secret recipe
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam