Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken