Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.