Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Why soy sad?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh