Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one