Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.