Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

constantly working on myself.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”