Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.