[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*