[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”