[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY