BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
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Okay
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
yes… yes…
when nothing goes right… go left
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
me working on my assignments ^-^
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.