Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

🤣😂

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.