Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.