BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Terribly Tuesday.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Oh boy, $150,000!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.