Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
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Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Bloody internet 😳
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°