@CauseWereGuys

Baby bunnies look like old Kung Fu masters

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@jus4golf

Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.

@ThugRaccoons

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

@softly_sighing2

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

@StansaidAirport

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@playnikes

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

@LukeErd

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

@tweeterreader36

To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!