[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
You Might Also Like
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.