Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
this dog sucks at driving
To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!