Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now