Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.