Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
If only.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?