Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s